The Quantum Angler
He never gets Bohred of fishing.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Rant of the week: The button fly

This has riled me for a long time, and a good rant on the subject is long overdue, so here goes.

Many, many years ago, some clever man had an invention, which became known as the zip. This simple device allowed you to securely join and unjoin two pieces of fabric together at will. It was a brilliant idea, shaving literally seconds off the time it took to do up a coat. Men rested easy in the knowledge that their wang could be readily accessed whenever they needed it. The world, in short, was happy.

But some bright spark had a different idea. The trouble was, trousers had already been perfected, and clothes designers were running out of things to change. After the addition of pockets, arse pockets, and those pointless mini-pockets that live inside the main pockets, what else could be improved? Then one day the answer came: make the fly harder to open. The beauty of it was clear from the start; not only did the button fly on your jeans make you look like an authentic cowboy, but hardly anybody would ever see it. It made a bold statement about your commitment to fashion that you were willing to waste a few extra seconds every time you went to the bog in order to look ever so slightly cooler.

No, of course it didn't. It made you look like what you are: a fool. But still jeans designers won't let it go; probably at least half the jeans you find in high street shops have a button fly. This wouldn't be too bad if buying jeans weren't already such a challenge. As anyone who knows me will attest, I am a monstrously deformed freak of nature with dimensions that are many standard deviations from the mean, so naturally it is hard to find the right size. Compound this with the recent trend towards "skinny jeans", and it has never been easier to come out of a clothes shop looking like a twat.

So please, if you're watching Mr person who decides how we do up our trousers, give us a break!