Garden Wars: A New Hoe

A long time ago in a Garden far, far away, there was a big old mess of weeds. The Garden was in internal strife, and the grass cutting powers of the Jedi Knives were no longer able to maintain order. Corruption engulfed the Garden as weeds and grass grew in abundance. All hopes rested on an ancient prophecy, that one day a powerful Jedi would come to rid the Garden of this evil.

Excitement spread throughout the Southfields Senate when a young man named Simon was found with whom the pitchfork was strong. Could he be the one to mow the lawn? A Jedi master took him as an apprentice and began training him. He learned how to use a lightmower, a deadly weapon in the hands of a skilled gardener.


After many minutes of training, Simon headed out into the Garden. With his trusty lightmower in hand, he fought his way through, clearing weeds from the patio and the lawn so that it was very nice and pleasant and just right in case you wanted to have a barbecue. Venturing further into the Garden, Simon encountered all manner of scum and villainy as he continued his fight against horticultural untidiness, but as he continued deeper into the Garden, disaster struck.

Simon found himself surrounded. Weeds blocked his every path, and his route back to the lawn was blocked by the terrible Death Bramble, a weed so powerful and so well routed into the ground that it seemed impossible to remove. Left in place, this nettle would surely engulf the peaceful lawn for good. Just then, the voice of his old Jedi master resonated in his mind, "use the fork, Simon". Reaching for his pitchfork, Simon made one mighty dig into the ground and uprooted the Death Bramble once and for all, thus ensuring the safety of the lawn. Back in the house the Residents Alliance rejoiced, but all the while knowing that in many parts of the Garden, the weeds were still there. One day, they would return...

Cold shower

So I've finally given up my righteous stand on not having a cold shower. It only lasted a couple of days, but I think I did myself proud. It's not easy for a guy with hair as cool as mine.

Ok, so yeah our boiler broke a few days ago, and since then I've watched while my housemates caved in one by one to accept their cold, watery fate. "I won't be one of them" I told myself, "I'm not going to have a cold shower". Backing up this stubbornness was a cunning plan, I wasn't going to simply stop washing, but instead I intended to make use of the much warmer shower facilities at my university swimming pool, after having a swim. This plan was scuppered however when I scored some excellent free food on Thursday evening, just before I'd scheduled my audacious shower plan at the pool. The food in question was as plentiful as it was delicious, and I found myself with no choice but to stuff my face (the tale of the free food I leave for another day, but suffice to say it involved pork skewers, chorizo and the inventor of the blue LED). After I'd done so, it dawned on me that I was too full up to go swimming. Disaster! So this morning I bit the bullet and had a freezing cold shower.

Cold as it was, it brought back fond memories of my time in Chamberlain House. The plumbing in that house, like the rest of it, was done on the cheap by a bunch of cowboys for our cheap-ass landlords, so it broke all the time. But every time something broke in that house it was a new adventure which brought us together. One of the best times we had was when a pipe under Dan's floor sprang a leak, we had to rip up the carpet, chisel out the pipe, and use tea towels to soak the water up and ring them out into a bucket. Great fun!